Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus Notes - John Gray Ph.D.

Men and Women are Hard Wired Differently and respond differently.

1. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus

Men and women are very different in the ways they think, respond and behave. Understanding these differences helps relationships. ‘We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in [the way] we react and behave when we love someone.’

2. Mr. Fix-It and the Home-Improvement Committee

Women complain that men don't listen but are just looking to provide solutions. Men complain that women are always trying to improve them and the way they do things. Men value power, competence, and achievement. They need to achieve results by themselves. Women value feelings and the quality of relationships.

Women should not offer unsolicited advice to men as it would seem critical and unaccepting. Men must listen to women without offering solutions but in order to understand what she is going through.

3. Men go to their caves and women talk

Men deal with stress by retreating to their caves: they become more focused and withdrawn. Women become more overwhelmed and emotionally involved. They want to talk about problems.

Men don’t burden others with their problems—they feel that they need to solve them alone. They can lose awareness of everything and everyone around them and become distant, unresponsive, and forgetful. Women resent this but need to have patience.

For women, sharing problems with others is a sign of trust. They openly share their feelings of frustration and hopelessness. Women are not looking for immediate solutions but want to be understood. When women talk about problems, men feel that they are being held responsible. He should not offer explanations or solutions but listen to understand.

4. How to motivate the opposite sex

Both men and women are motivated by love. Men feel loved when they are needed; women feel loved when they are cherished. To become motivated men must always feel trusted and appreciated. Women must constantly reinforce the message that the man is needed. Women need to feel loved and cherished. Men should show empathy and compassion.

5. Speaking different languages

The languages that men and women use have the same words but different and often confusing meanings. Women speak in metaphors and generalizations. If men speak at all, it is very literal and they interpret women in the same literal way.

A man talks only to convey information. A woman talks for many more reasons and complain that men don’t talk. Women should support men in their caves by going off and doing something with their friends. Men should explain why they’re not talking.

6. Men are Like Rubber Bands

Men get very close to women and then pull away. After fulfilling their need for intimacy, men feel a strong need for independence and autonomy. After fulfilling that need, they will once again feel the need for intimacy. Men constantly alternate between needing autonomy and intimacy. When a man is pulling away he should be left alone.

7. Women are Like Waves

A woman's self-esteem rises and falls like waves. When her self-esteem is high, she has plenty of love to give. When she feels low, she is unable to be as appreciative and accepting of her partner. When a woman's wave crashes a man should go out of his way to support her. He must listen, validate her feelings and give reassurance.

8. Discovering our different emotional needs

Women need to receive care, understanding, respect, devotion, validation and reassurance. Men need to receive trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, encouragement. The best way to get what we need is by giving our partners what they need.

9. How to avoid arguments

They should be avoided at all costs—negotiate, don’t argue. When a man feels challenged, he focuses on being right and forgets to be loving. He upsets her and invalidates her feelings—usually by trying to solve her problems. We need to accept that our partners aren't perfect.

10. Scoring points with the opposite sex

Men believe that they score highly with women when they do something big. Everything, whether big or small, scores one point with women. Women can score highly with men by using their scoring scheme. Big acts of love score many points.

11. How to communicate difficult feelings

Anger and disappointment need to be expressed in a loving way. Love letters are a good way to release negative emotions in a more loving way.

12. How to ask for support and get it

There are three steps to asking for and getting what you what. 1) Ask properly—involving good timing and asking in a non-demanding tone. Be brief and be direct. 2) Practice asking for support even if you expect the answer to be "no." 3) Ask assertively. One of the key elements to asking assertively is to remain silent after making your request.

13. Keeping the magic of love alive

To be successful in relationships, we must understand the different seasons of love. We must not expect our partners to always feel the same degree of love as we feel. We must learn to love our partners through "thick and thin.

6 Good Things a Little Snooze Can Do

Your office may not have a literal "rest" room yet, but your employer might be smart to create one. Some companies already have, including Nike and Google. Why? Studies show that a quick afternoon power nap can:

• Boost productivity
• Counter burnout
• Improve memory
• Take the edge off of stress
• Lower risk of heart disease

There's even an app for the power nap. In fact, there are four of them, from free ones with soothing ambient noise to more sophisticated programs that (for a small fee) provide different sound frequencies to lull you to sleep and gently wake you at a preset time.

Here are three ways to get the best from your siesta:

• Limit naps to 30 minutes. Give yourself 10 to fall asleep and 20, at most, for napping. The benefits of a 5- to 20-minute nap are almost immediate and last up to 3 hours. Going into a deeper, longer sleep causessleep inertia. That's a doc's way of saying you'll have a hard time waking up, and everything you do for the next hour or so will feel like a big effort.
• Get comfy. Slip off your shoes, loosen your belt or your tie, and, if you can, recline. The more comfortable you are, the faster you'll slip into sleep. If the best rest you can manage is to snooze in your car, tilt the seat back and go for it -- as long as you're parked in a safe place.
• Don't nap too late in the day. Earlier naps are less deep and more beneficial, according to a recent study. They make you more alert, improve your performance, and speed up your reaction time. What boss wouldn't approve of that? The one exception to this rule: Nap later if you're planning to dance all night, say, at your BFF's wedding.

6 Ways to Revive Skin for Spring

Revive your skin for spring.

Spring's warmer weather and the change of the season can have an impact on your skin. More moisture in the air and sunshine in the forecast could make your skin more oily than usual and even cause it to breakout more often. You'll need to make some changes to your daily skincare routine to accommodate for the change of the season and prepare it for some fresh new color palettes in the makeup department.

Here are just six ways to revive your skin for spring:

1. Bring on the sunscreen. More sunshine in the weather forecast means you need to be extra careful about sun protection. Make sure you're wearing a light layer of sunscreen under makeup, and using sunscreen-infused makeup products.

2. Keep up the moisture level. Moisturizing your skin after cleansing and toning is essential for keeping skin smooth, supple and looking youthful. Make sure you are drinking plenty of water throughout the day, and are using a high-quality moisturizer day and night.

3. Switch to mineral makeup. Say goodbye to heavy foundation as the weather warms up and switch to a more natural, mineral makeup line. You can still get a flawless look with mineral makeup and it will feel much better on your face and neck when you spend more time outdoors. Use a makeup primer to keep makeup in place and to create that smooth and flawless finish you want.

4. Use a deep pore cleansing mask once per week. Keep your skin blemish-free and prevent breakouts by deep-cleaning the pores at least once per week. If you find that you're sweating more than usual during the spring months, you'll need to take extra steps to keep those pores free of oil and dirt. A deep pore cleansing mask could be just what you need to keep skin clear through the spring months.

5. Exfoliate regularly. Winter season may have left you with dry and flaky skin, or rough patches of skin that are difficult to mask with makeup. Buff away those dead skin cells using a facial scrub or buffing cloth, or head to the spa for a microdermabrasion treatment. Your skin will look and feel fresher, softer and more toned with regular exfoliation sessions.

6. Throw out old skincare and makeup products. Make sure you're not holding on to makeup and skincare products that have expired or you could risk getting some serious breakouts. Old makeup and skincare products can also clog the pores and make your skin look dull. Check the expiration dates on all of your beauty products and do some "spring cleaning" as needed.

Non-Bitchy Ways to Say "No"

One tiny word can make a big difference...You let a friend crash on your couch indefinitely. Your sister asks to borrow your pricey new shoes (the ones you haven't even worn yet) and yet you say "okay".

Your boyfriend wants to ditch dinner out tonight for a homemade roast - "You'll cook, won't you babe?" And you just agreed to take on a project for a stressed out colleague, even though you're swamped with your own workload. Sounds familiar? Many women get stuck doing things for others because it's really hard to say 'No!'. To save someone else the pain, you avoid a confrontional situation and just say yes.

Even though it may be unfair, and you end up in a high stress situation, saying yes sometimes is a lot easier than having to explain why you just can't do it. So before you utter another reluctant yes, (or do some internal damage repressing the subsequent rage), worry not, there are nice ways of saying 'No'. Read on.

Why you're a 'yes woman': When a guy is asked to take on an unwanted task, he generally doesn't hesitate to nip the request in the bud. No, he can't lend his bud 5,000 bucks. Sorry, no time to dog-sit for his neighbour...The reasons guys and girls don't react the same way to requests are both socially sanctioned and biologically driven. "Men are expected to assert themselves, that's what gives them status in our society, says social psychologist Susan Newman, author of The Book Of No. "They learn to say no early on becuse if they don't, they're labelled as wimps or pushovers."

On the other hand, women earn praise for playing nice and co-operating. "As girls, we're singled out for being helpful," says Newman. In fact, the female need to please others is so ingrained that many women equate saying no with saying 'I don't care about you'. Answering yes also appears to be hardwired.

Research shows that when women are co-operative, neural activity in the brain's reward region dramatically increases, bathing our bodies in feel-good martyrdom hormones. The result: women get an actual physical high from pleasing people. For many, it's an addiction. People think of the word 'No' as a negative and fear that using it will jeopardise a friendship or that their friends will think of them as selfish. Some women fear they will be left out of the group if they say 'no' or that their friends will think they are uncaring or lazy. Bottom line: women tend to be people-pleasers and agree to avoid confrontation and keep the peace, but that's not such a good thing!

Right of refusal: First, consider the resentment and bitterness that you invariably feel when you accpet a task you don't want to take on. Add to that the time required to do what you were asked, resulting in less time for the stuff that really matters to you, says Michael Silverman, author of Unleash Your Dreams. Also, giving into the 'yes habit' can backfire in your face: instead of coming off as a helpful person, you will earn a reputation as an ever-reliable doormat, says Silverman.

Not setting boundaries gives you little respect among friends, acquaintances, and colleagues, so they keep asking you for help because they know you're likely to accept. Finally, you don't do people any favours by coming to their rescue constantly. "Turning someone down forces them to rely on themselves," says Jana Kemp, author of No! How One Simple Word Can Transform Your Life.

'No!' There, you've said it... But it wasn't easy, was it? You feel like crap now, right? It actually takes time and practice before most women can confidently say 'no' without feeling guiltridden, comments Silverman. It helps to be prepared, however, so learn to spot the signs that an unwanted request is coming your way. "I've been meaning to ask... and "I know you're really busy, but... are obvious tip-offs, but be on the lookout for earlier hints, like awkward, drawn-out small talk, throat clearing, or a sudden lack of eye contact," explains Bill Lampton, author of The Complete Communicator.

If you find yourself already cornered, counteract your knee-jerk reflex to say yes by not responding right away. "Pausing gives the impression that you're truly considering the request, and also buys you more time to think," says Don Gabor author of Speaking Your Mind In 101 Difficult Situations.

When you do turn down the request, keep your 'no' short; something along the lines of 'I'd really love to, but I can't', says Newman: "Don't flounder around and try to explain why you have to refuse. The more wiggle room you give, the more ammo the other peron has to attempt to change your mind. Finally, resist the urge to apologise, since that only shows you're uncomfortable with your decision."

(Reproduced From Cosmopolitan. © 2010. LMIL. All rights reserved.)

Have the Time of Your Life

Open your heart out this festive season and feel the joy.A unique combination of winter festivals, which binds us all together with a delicate thread of affection and joie de vivre!So, if like me, you are planning to make the most of this season then do remember to make enough time for these:

Connect more. Stretch out of your comfort zone and connect with more people. Though Facebook may be fun to network online, it is no substitute for connecting in person. I would suggest that you take the plunge and arrange a get-together for all those who matter to you. Invite the neighbours whom you pass by with a polite hello every day, old friends you haven't met for years, colleagues who need to see the fun side of you, relatives you have been meaning to have over but have not for years.Invite them all. Make sure there is good food and drinks to go around and let the festive mood take over.

Laugh a lot. According to a study, on average, adults laugh 15 times whereas children laugh about 200 times a day! I know in our adult world we have our deadlines, projects, presentations but maybe the festival season is a good time for us to put aside our 'grown-upness' and just laugh more easily and heartily. There is nothing like adding an element of dance and music to the playfulness.

Be different. Think out of the box, break away from old patterns and do something whacky this season. Rather than getting into the same old argument with your brother-in-law, do something different. When the niggling topic comes up, listen to him and tell him that he has a point (he does, it's just different from yours), be light-spirited and laugh off any disparaging remarks. Be more innovative with decorations, experiment with the party menu, have more fun being creative with your cards and gifts.

Give more. I do believe that you can only receive if you can give more freely. I've seen people who have a lot but are very scared of giving. These are the people who go through life complaining, feeling impoverished, being bitter and resentful. Then there are others who give freely and generously and life has so much to give back to them. They are happier, healthier and more content with life.

And this is not some new age spiel I am dishing out at you. My belief is backed with hard-core research.In a very well-known study, psychologist Larry Scherwitz from the University of California found that people who were more self-absorbed and used more of "I, me, mine" in their statements were at a high risk of coronary heart problems. The antidote, according to Scherwitz, was, "Give more, do things for reasons other than furthering your own needs."

Open your heart out this festive season. Connect more, laugh more, lighten up, give more. Have the time of your life!

The bird and the cage

Once upon a time, there was a bird. He was adorned with two perfect wings and with glossy, colorful, marvelous feathers.

One day, a woman saw this bird and fell in love with him.
She invited the bird to fly with her, and the two travelled across the sky in perfect harmony. She admired and venerated and celebrated that bird.
But then she thought: He might want to visit far-off mountains!
And she was afraid, afraid that she would never feel the same way about any other bird.

And she thought: “I’m going to set a trap. The next time the bird appears, he will never leave again.”
The bird, who was also in love, returned the following day, fell into the trap and was put in a cage.

She looked at the bird every day. There he was, the object of her passion, and she showed him to her friends, who said: “Now you have everything you could possibly want.”

However, a strange transformation began to take place: now that she had the bird and no longer needed to woo him, she began to lose interest.

The bird, unable to fly and express the true meaning of his life, began to waste away and his feathers to lose their gloss; he grew ugly; and the woman no longer paid him any attention, except by feeding him and cleaning out his cage.

One day, the bird died. The woman felt terribly sad and spent all her time thinking about him. But she did not remember the cage, she thought only of the day when she had seen him for the first time, flying contentedly amongst the clouds.

If she had looked more deeply into herself, she would have realized that what had thrilled her about the bird was his freedom, the energy of his wings in motion, not his physical body.

Without the bird, her life too lost all meaning, and Death came knocking at her door.
“Why have you come?” she asked Death.
“So that you can fly once more with him across the sky,” Death replied.

“If you had allowed him to come and go, you would have loved and admired him ever more; alas, you now need me in order to find him again.”

Ways to Declutter Your Mind and Get to Sleep

We've all been there. It's time to get some shut-eye, but tomorrow's to-do list starts swirling through your mind like a tornado. As your head spins into a panicked frenzy and your stomach is aflutter, you curse yourself for not being able to turn off your brain: Missing out on sleep is only going to make you even more stressed. Here, tips that'll help you unwind when your thoughts are running rampant.

1. Stick to a natural sleep schedule.
If you're having problems sleeping (like 74 percent of women across the country, according to the National Sleep Foundation), try to align your schedule more closely with nature's. "Your body clock, hormones, temperature, and blood pressure fluctuations measure out a 24-hour day that's in tune with the rising and setting of the sun," says neurologist David Simon, M.D., cofounder and medical director of the Chopra Center and author of the new book The Ten Commitments: Translating Good Intentions Into Great Choices. When you stay up into the wee hours reading a book, baking cupcakes, or doing a few extra loads of laundry, the odd hours you're keeping throw off your body's production of melatonin, the hormone that controls sleep regulation and wakefulness. "Syncing up your daily routine with the rhythms of your environment -- namely, by getting up around 6 a.m. and going to bed around 10 p.m. -- will help you maintain mental clarity," Simon notes.

Related: Health Hazards: Skimping on Sleep Can Make You...

2. Turn off the TV.
Chilling out in front of the television may feel like a good way to relax, but an emotionally draining or violent program actually provokes turbulent thoughts, which can result in insomnia, indigestion, even headaches. Unless you're looking at images of baby animals frolicking in a field -- or something just as innocuous -- skip the late-night TV, or at least turn off the tube a half hour before you turn off the lights, so you have some time to direct your attention inward. "This will help your brain separate the heart-pumping drama on 24 from the more tranquil reality of your bedroom, and let your mind settle into a peaceful state," says Simon.

3. Download your internal conversation.
Keep a journal by your bedside for the specific purpose of recording your thoughts before bed. This is not another to-do list, just a way to unload anything that's agitating you from the day that's passed, and anything you're concerned about for the one ahead. "It's like freeing space on your hard drive by saving files on a CD or Zip Drive," says Simon. Once you've got your concerns written down, put the journal away. This process won't make your worries magically disappear, but it'll clear your head.

Related: Why Am I So Tired? 7 Causes of Fatigue

4. Create a musical pharmacy for yourself.
Listening to mellow music jibes with the unwinding of your mind and body, and enables your brain patterns to remain steady. A slower beat stimulates the right hemisphere of the brain -- the area that's in charge of order, balance, and peace -- and will evoke a temporary forgetfulness, allowing you to slip away from your problems. "Fast beats, on the other hand, activate the left hemisphere, which affects reasoning, and can create tension and stress," says Simon. Even if you're comforted by up-tempo tunes, they'll counteract what you're trying to accomplish -- a good night's rest!

5. Tune in to your body.
Pay attention to physical sensations to quiet your overactive thought process. First, listen to the sounds around you, like the cars passing by, or the hum of the humidifier in the background. Then concentrate on your body: the feeling of your feet rubbing against the sheets, the weight of your pajamas against your skin. Focus on the passage of air through your nostrils, noticing the subtle aromas of your room and your own body. "Continue observing the inflow and outflow of your breath, and it'll bring you into the now," says Simon. Staying in the present relaxes your body and mind.


6. Look within.
Now turn your attention to the inside of your body. Still breathing deeply, allow yourself to get in touch with your emotions. "If sadness wells up, allow yourself to feel it without resistance," says Simon. "If you feel anger, let it move through your body and release it with your exhalations." Negative feelings that aren't fully expressed will continue to ricochet around in your head and upset you. Acknowledging and breathing through those thoughts will help you to let go of them.

Related: Are You and Your Partner Sleep Compatible?

7. Envision another world.
Imagine that you're drifting over the countryside in a hot-air balloon, or that you're floating in a canoe on a tranquil stream -- any image that transports you away from everyday worries. Okay, yes, it's a Calgon moment -- but it works! "Mental anguish often stems from the belief that we're living in circumstances that we can't free ourselves from," says Simon. Allowing your mind to picture adventures and goals that seem too impractical during the day puts tomorrow's to-do list on your brain's back burner.

8. Meditate.
Often the hardest part about meditation is trying not to fall asleep -- but in this case you can! Just lie comfortably, close your eyes, and begin observing your breath. Concentrate on words with a quiet resonance that have no significant meaning, like "So hum." As you're inhaling, silently say the sound "so." As you're exhaling, silently say the sound "hum." When you find that your attention has drifted away from "So hum," gently return it to the mantra. Continue like this for about 10 minutes, or as long as it takes to drift off.