Non-Bitchy Ways to Say "No"

One tiny word can make a big difference...You let a friend crash on your couch indefinitely. Your sister asks to borrow your pricey new shoes (the ones you haven't even worn yet) and yet you say "okay".

Your boyfriend wants to ditch dinner out tonight for a homemade roast - "You'll cook, won't you babe?" And you just agreed to take on a project for a stressed out colleague, even though you're swamped with your own workload. Sounds familiar? Many women get stuck doing things for others because it's really hard to say 'No!'. To save someone else the pain, you avoid a confrontional situation and just say yes.

Even though it may be unfair, and you end up in a high stress situation, saying yes sometimes is a lot easier than having to explain why you just can't do it. So before you utter another reluctant yes, (or do some internal damage repressing the subsequent rage), worry not, there are nice ways of saying 'No'. Read on.

Why you're a 'yes woman': When a guy is asked to take on an unwanted task, he generally doesn't hesitate to nip the request in the bud. No, he can't lend his bud 5,000 bucks. Sorry, no time to dog-sit for his neighbour...The reasons guys and girls don't react the same way to requests are both socially sanctioned and biologically driven. "Men are expected to assert themselves, that's what gives them status in our society, says social psychologist Susan Newman, author of The Book Of No. "They learn to say no early on becuse if they don't, they're labelled as wimps or pushovers."

On the other hand, women earn praise for playing nice and co-operating. "As girls, we're singled out for being helpful," says Newman. In fact, the female need to please others is so ingrained that many women equate saying no with saying 'I don't care about you'. Answering yes also appears to be hardwired.

Research shows that when women are co-operative, neural activity in the brain's reward region dramatically increases, bathing our bodies in feel-good martyrdom hormones. The result: women get an actual physical high from pleasing people. For many, it's an addiction. People think of the word 'No' as a negative and fear that using it will jeopardise a friendship or that their friends will think of them as selfish. Some women fear they will be left out of the group if they say 'no' or that their friends will think they are uncaring or lazy. Bottom line: women tend to be people-pleasers and agree to avoid confrontation and keep the peace, but that's not such a good thing!

Right of refusal: First, consider the resentment and bitterness that you invariably feel when you accpet a task you don't want to take on. Add to that the time required to do what you were asked, resulting in less time for the stuff that really matters to you, says Michael Silverman, author of Unleash Your Dreams. Also, giving into the 'yes habit' can backfire in your face: instead of coming off as a helpful person, you will earn a reputation as an ever-reliable doormat, says Silverman.

Not setting boundaries gives you little respect among friends, acquaintances, and colleagues, so they keep asking you for help because they know you're likely to accept. Finally, you don't do people any favours by coming to their rescue constantly. "Turning someone down forces them to rely on themselves," says Jana Kemp, author of No! How One Simple Word Can Transform Your Life.

'No!' There, you've said it... But it wasn't easy, was it? You feel like crap now, right? It actually takes time and practice before most women can confidently say 'no' without feeling guiltridden, comments Silverman. It helps to be prepared, however, so learn to spot the signs that an unwanted request is coming your way. "I've been meaning to ask... and "I know you're really busy, but... are obvious tip-offs, but be on the lookout for earlier hints, like awkward, drawn-out small talk, throat clearing, or a sudden lack of eye contact," explains Bill Lampton, author of The Complete Communicator.

If you find yourself already cornered, counteract your knee-jerk reflex to say yes by not responding right away. "Pausing gives the impression that you're truly considering the request, and also buys you more time to think," says Don Gabor author of Speaking Your Mind In 101 Difficult Situations.

When you do turn down the request, keep your 'no' short; something along the lines of 'I'd really love to, but I can't', says Newman: "Don't flounder around and try to explain why you have to refuse. The more wiggle room you give, the more ammo the other peron has to attempt to change your mind. Finally, resist the urge to apologise, since that only shows you're uncomfortable with your decision."

(Reproduced From Cosmopolitan. © 2010. LMIL. All rights reserved.)

Have the Time of Your Life

Open your heart out this festive season and feel the joy.A unique combination of winter festivals, which binds us all together with a delicate thread of affection and joie de vivre!So, if like me, you are planning to make the most of this season then do remember to make enough time for these:

Connect more. Stretch out of your comfort zone and connect with more people. Though Facebook may be fun to network online, it is no substitute for connecting in person. I would suggest that you take the plunge and arrange a get-together for all those who matter to you. Invite the neighbours whom you pass by with a polite hello every day, old friends you haven't met for years, colleagues who need to see the fun side of you, relatives you have been meaning to have over but have not for years.Invite them all. Make sure there is good food and drinks to go around and let the festive mood take over.

Laugh a lot. According to a study, on average, adults laugh 15 times whereas children laugh about 200 times a day! I know in our adult world we have our deadlines, projects, presentations but maybe the festival season is a good time for us to put aside our 'grown-upness' and just laugh more easily and heartily. There is nothing like adding an element of dance and music to the playfulness.

Be different. Think out of the box, break away from old patterns and do something whacky this season. Rather than getting into the same old argument with your brother-in-law, do something different. When the niggling topic comes up, listen to him and tell him that he has a point (he does, it's just different from yours), be light-spirited and laugh off any disparaging remarks. Be more innovative with decorations, experiment with the party menu, have more fun being creative with your cards and gifts.

Give more. I do believe that you can only receive if you can give more freely. I've seen people who have a lot but are very scared of giving. These are the people who go through life complaining, feeling impoverished, being bitter and resentful. Then there are others who give freely and generously and life has so much to give back to them. They are happier, healthier and more content with life.

And this is not some new age spiel I am dishing out at you. My belief is backed with hard-core research.In a very well-known study, psychologist Larry Scherwitz from the University of California found that people who were more self-absorbed and used more of "I, me, mine" in their statements were at a high risk of coronary heart problems. The antidote, according to Scherwitz, was, "Give more, do things for reasons other than furthering your own needs."

Open your heart out this festive season. Connect more, laugh more, lighten up, give more. Have the time of your life!

The bird and the cage

Once upon a time, there was a bird. He was adorned with two perfect wings and with glossy, colorful, marvelous feathers.

One day, a woman saw this bird and fell in love with him.
She invited the bird to fly with her, and the two travelled across the sky in perfect harmony. She admired and venerated and celebrated that bird.
But then she thought: He might want to visit far-off mountains!
And she was afraid, afraid that she would never feel the same way about any other bird.

And she thought: “I’m going to set a trap. The next time the bird appears, he will never leave again.”
The bird, who was also in love, returned the following day, fell into the trap and was put in a cage.

She looked at the bird every day. There he was, the object of her passion, and she showed him to her friends, who said: “Now you have everything you could possibly want.”

However, a strange transformation began to take place: now that she had the bird and no longer needed to woo him, she began to lose interest.

The bird, unable to fly and express the true meaning of his life, began to waste away and his feathers to lose their gloss; he grew ugly; and the woman no longer paid him any attention, except by feeding him and cleaning out his cage.

One day, the bird died. The woman felt terribly sad and spent all her time thinking about him. But she did not remember the cage, she thought only of the day when she had seen him for the first time, flying contentedly amongst the clouds.

If she had looked more deeply into herself, she would have realized that what had thrilled her about the bird was his freedom, the energy of his wings in motion, not his physical body.

Without the bird, her life too lost all meaning, and Death came knocking at her door.
“Why have you come?” she asked Death.
“So that you can fly once more with him across the sky,” Death replied.

“If you had allowed him to come and go, you would have loved and admired him ever more; alas, you now need me in order to find him again.”

Ways to Declutter Your Mind and Get to Sleep

We've all been there. It's time to get some shut-eye, but tomorrow's to-do list starts swirling through your mind like a tornado. As your head spins into a panicked frenzy and your stomach is aflutter, you curse yourself for not being able to turn off your brain: Missing out on sleep is only going to make you even more stressed. Here, tips that'll help you unwind when your thoughts are running rampant.

1. Stick to a natural sleep schedule.
If you're having problems sleeping (like 74 percent of women across the country, according to the National Sleep Foundation), try to align your schedule more closely with nature's. "Your body clock, hormones, temperature, and blood pressure fluctuations measure out a 24-hour day that's in tune with the rising and setting of the sun," says neurologist David Simon, M.D., cofounder and medical director of the Chopra Center and author of the new book The Ten Commitments: Translating Good Intentions Into Great Choices. When you stay up into the wee hours reading a book, baking cupcakes, or doing a few extra loads of laundry, the odd hours you're keeping throw off your body's production of melatonin, the hormone that controls sleep regulation and wakefulness. "Syncing up your daily routine with the rhythms of your environment -- namely, by getting up around 6 a.m. and going to bed around 10 p.m. -- will help you maintain mental clarity," Simon notes.

Related: Health Hazards: Skimping on Sleep Can Make You...

2. Turn off the TV.
Chilling out in front of the television may feel like a good way to relax, but an emotionally draining or violent program actually provokes turbulent thoughts, which can result in insomnia, indigestion, even headaches. Unless you're looking at images of baby animals frolicking in a field -- or something just as innocuous -- skip the late-night TV, or at least turn off the tube a half hour before you turn off the lights, so you have some time to direct your attention inward. "This will help your brain separate the heart-pumping drama on 24 from the more tranquil reality of your bedroom, and let your mind settle into a peaceful state," says Simon.

3. Download your internal conversation.
Keep a journal by your bedside for the specific purpose of recording your thoughts before bed. This is not another to-do list, just a way to unload anything that's agitating you from the day that's passed, and anything you're concerned about for the one ahead. "It's like freeing space on your hard drive by saving files on a CD or Zip Drive," says Simon. Once you've got your concerns written down, put the journal away. This process won't make your worries magically disappear, but it'll clear your head.

Related: Why Am I So Tired? 7 Causes of Fatigue

4. Create a musical pharmacy for yourself.
Listening to mellow music jibes with the unwinding of your mind and body, and enables your brain patterns to remain steady. A slower beat stimulates the right hemisphere of the brain -- the area that's in charge of order, balance, and peace -- and will evoke a temporary forgetfulness, allowing you to slip away from your problems. "Fast beats, on the other hand, activate the left hemisphere, which affects reasoning, and can create tension and stress," says Simon. Even if you're comforted by up-tempo tunes, they'll counteract what you're trying to accomplish -- a good night's rest!

5. Tune in to your body.
Pay attention to physical sensations to quiet your overactive thought process. First, listen to the sounds around you, like the cars passing by, or the hum of the humidifier in the background. Then concentrate on your body: the feeling of your feet rubbing against the sheets, the weight of your pajamas against your skin. Focus on the passage of air through your nostrils, noticing the subtle aromas of your room and your own body. "Continue observing the inflow and outflow of your breath, and it'll bring you into the now," says Simon. Staying in the present relaxes your body and mind.


6. Look within.
Now turn your attention to the inside of your body. Still breathing deeply, allow yourself to get in touch with your emotions. "If sadness wells up, allow yourself to feel it without resistance," says Simon. "If you feel anger, let it move through your body and release it with your exhalations." Negative feelings that aren't fully expressed will continue to ricochet around in your head and upset you. Acknowledging and breathing through those thoughts will help you to let go of them.

Related: Are You and Your Partner Sleep Compatible?

7. Envision another world.
Imagine that you're drifting over the countryside in a hot-air balloon, or that you're floating in a canoe on a tranquil stream -- any image that transports you away from everyday worries. Okay, yes, it's a Calgon moment -- but it works! "Mental anguish often stems from the belief that we're living in circumstances that we can't free ourselves from," says Simon. Allowing your mind to picture adventures and goals that seem too impractical during the day puts tomorrow's to-do list on your brain's back burner.

8. Meditate.
Often the hardest part about meditation is trying not to fall asleep -- but in this case you can! Just lie comfortably, close your eyes, and begin observing your breath. Concentrate on words with a quiet resonance that have no significant meaning, like "So hum." As you're inhaling, silently say the sound "so." As you're exhaling, silently say the sound "hum." When you find that your attention has drifted away from "So hum," gently return it to the mantra. Continue like this for about 10 minutes, or as long as it takes to drift off.

Solar City Tower for Rio Olympics 2016

Olympic Games are always a terrific occasion to flex the architectural muscles beyond your every-day-joe-schmo assignment. For the upcoming 2016 Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro, Swiss studio RAFAA flexed quite a bit and propose the competition entry “Solar City Tower” that—packed with solar panels and sustainable features—wants to help make Rio’s Olympic Games the first ever zero-carbon games.

View to Cotunduba Island

From the brief of the international architecture competition: „The project under consideration should be located in the bay of the city of Rio de Janeiro on the Cotonduba Island, which is the obligatory approach for aircraft landing and will comprise a vertical structure which will seek to become a symbol for those arriving in Rio, creating an image potent enough to enable Rio to triumph in its bid to host the summer Olympics in 2016. The challenge, therefore, consists of designing an observation tower which will become a symbol welcoming all those who visit Rio de Janeiro, whether they arrive by air or sea.“

View from Copacabana

Here’s a detailed project description from RAFAA:

Concept
The aim of this project is to ask how the classic concept of a landmark can be reconsidered. It is less about an expressive, iconic architectural form; rather, it is a return to content and actual, real challenges for the imminent post-oil-era.

This project represents a message of a society facing the future; thus, it is the representation of an inner attitude. Our project, standing in the tradition of “a building/city as a machine”, shall provide energy both to the city of Rio de Janeiro and its citizens while using natural resources. We hope to attain an international Olympic message with a political appeal. After hosting the United Nation’s Earth Summit in 1992, Rio de Janeiro will once again be the starting point for a global green movement and for a sustainable development of urban structures.

It will perhaps even become a symbol for the first zero carbon footprint Olympic Games.

View to Copacabana

View from plane

Approach
The project consists of a solar power plant that by day produces energy for the city respectively the Olympic village. Excessive energy will be pumped as seawater into a tower. By night, the water can be released again; with the help of turbines, it generates electricity for the night. The electricity produced can be used for the lighting of the tower or for the city. On special occasions, this “machine building” turns into an impressive wonder of nature: an urban waterfall, a symbol for the forces of nature. At the same time, it will be the representation of a collective awareness of the city towards its great surrounding landscape. Via an urban plaza located 60 meters over sea level you gain access to the building. Through the amphitheatre, you reach the entrance situated on the ground floor.

Night view of Olympic flame

Observation deck

Organisation
Both entrance area and amphitheatre can serve as a place for social gatherings and events. The public spaces are also accessible from this point on. The cafeteria and the shop are situated beneath the waterfall and offer a breathtaking view. The public elevator takes the visitor to the observation decks and the urban balcony. The administration offices can be reached directly from the foyer. Its inner circulation is organised by an own entrance and the elevator. The semi-public spaces are located in the back area of the building; thus, they can be used separately. A retractable platform for bungee jumping is located on level +90.5. Long distance observation can be done from the observation deck on level +98.0. The urban balcony is situated at the top of the tower 105 meters above sea level. Here the visitor has a 360° view of the landscape and can experience the waterfall while walking over the glass sky walk.

Floor plans

Exploded perspective

Images: RAFAA

Adobe Flex!

Do people use Flex for real projects?"

Absolutely. A lot of "real projects" have been built using Flex. Before going any further, I think there needs to be some demystification of what flex is. People seem to treat Flex as if it is some unknown product on the far reaching corners of the web galaxy.

Flex is just a way to create RIAs or other "Flash" content without using the Adobe "Flash" IDE. Flex has Flex Builder, the tool created by Adobe to write Flex apps, but in reality, Flex is just a framework to build RIAs that play in the Flash player (or AIR now that we have it).


"I have yet to see any web app/site that really uses Flex for an RIA.. most apps still use (and will use IMHO) web standard technologies like html, css, javascript, etc..."

I spoke at the Adobe MAX conference last year in Chicago on "Next Generation User Experiences" and how you can develop them in Flex.
Here are some examples of Sites that are built on Flex, and these projects have been worked on by myself, someone I know or have met in one capacity or another. I am just stating that so you can understand that this is first-hand information as opposed to "that could have been built in Flex".

Out of the giant list of Flex apps that have been launched to the public, here is a handful that you might recognize:

• www.scion.com - Full Flex application with Flash assets being loaded.
• Ebay Desktop - AIR Application that my old crew at EffectiveUI built using Flex
• anywhere.fm - online media player replacement for iTunes.
• Picnik - Online image editor application
• Mixbook.com - Book creation and sharing
• Snapfish - http://www.snapfish.com/
• Mastercard - http://www.mastercard.com/us/business/en/smallbiz/findacard/findacard.html
• Finetune Desktop - http://www.finetune.com/desktop/

In addition to this quick list, I've seen Flex be used for others including NBC, EA, Discovery Channel, matchmine, Harley Davidson, The US Air Force, Citi, Sherwin Williams... the list just goes on and on.

One amazing new application that is built on Flex was built by the folks at Adobe Consulting: www.searchme.com. Also, most of the applications that you find Adobe putting out (labs.adobe.com) are built on Flex.

If you have Adobe CS3, you've seen the Adobe "Video Workshop"... which was shipped with CS3 on DVD and is also hosted online at www.adobe.com/designcenter/video_workshop

This application was built by my team for Adobe using Flex and also packaged up using the Adobe Flash standalone player to run on DVD, etc.

"So... What's Up with Adobe Flex?"

I could go on for ages on this topic. (But I will try not to!)

Flex: First, it isn't the perfect tool for everyone.

It is, however, a great choice for a platform if you are building an RIA or online application where the user experience could see significnat benefits from a "rich" interface. (all applications?)

Flex is going to be quite daunting for someone who knows the Flash IDE, but is not familiar with OO programming, design patterns, MVC, etc.

Flex was intended for "programmers". As the market has created demand for better user experiences and RIAs, there just aren't enough Flash developers out there to meet the demand. Flex allows non-visual developers (i.e Java developers) to jump into RIA development by giving them a tool that let's them build apps using the skills that they have as opposed to trying to learn Flash itself.


"So why Flex? Could you list out some reasons?
You need to answer that relative to other platforms."

Sure. I can tackle this one.

Flex isn't perfect for everyone. I've seen a lot of people with solid Flash chops try to use Flex and just get frustrated. (Nobody said Flex was "easy") :)

There has been a ton of improvement in the product since the early days. Flex 1.5 was rough to say the least. Flex 2.0 was a ton better, and Flex 3 is proof positive that Adobe has been listening to the community to make the tool more robust and more integrated with the CS3 line of tools.


"Why Flex over Flash?"

I think the case for Flex over flash has to do with the type of application you are building, and who is building it.

If you've got a very robust "application", Flex is probably the right tool. If you've got a team of "developers" as opposed to "Flash developers", Flex is probably the right tool.

If you've got a project that requires heavy use of data, data visualization, or needs to utilize some more advanced back-end systems ... Flex is the right tool.

This is especially the case when thinking about applications that might utilize LiveCycle Data Services or the OpenSource Blaze Data Services.

Flex isn't better than flash... it is just a different tool to accomplish the same end goal. You have to use a tool that works best for you and your team.


"Why is Flex better than AJAX?"

So, instead of saying "Why Flex over AJAX", I will instead say "Why the Flash player over AJAX".

Both Adobe Flash and Flex output Flash player content. Whatever you use to develop your application, there are significant benefits to using Flex over AJAX... again it depends on your specific project!

I will say that in recent months, I've done several evaluations of technology for client projects, and have had to compare Flex to AJAX for each.

In my opinion, the biggest advantages of using the Flash player as a runtime for your RIA as opposed to using AJAX:

1. Write once, deploy cross platform
2. You can turn your Flex application into a desktop application without much code refactoring (using AIR).
3. With the evolution of browsers, you can be less concerned about how to migrate your code to keep up with changes in the Document Object Model in AJAX, as the Flash player is backwards compatible.
4. The Flash player now has hardware acceleration... so you can build UI's that look and feel the way YOU want them to, and not forced into having limitations by your development technology
5. 3-d integration (using papervision or another framework)
6. Handles LOTS of data much, much, much better (data grids with tons of rows, etc)
   

To help you understand what other benefits flex can offer, check out www.flex.org.


"So, how is Flex perfect when these java/rails/jango/foobar developers need to learn yap (yet another platform). Given the transition/learning time - what are the net benefits that make it better than sticking with the tried and true?"

It isn't. It should be a primary rule of building software: Use the Tools that you Know.

I will say that the ramp-up time for experienced Java or C# developers to move to Flex is nominal. ActionScript 3.0 is a lot like Java or C#.

The benefits aren't from a technology point of view. I really think that the benefits are around the user experience that you can get from a Flex application as opposed to something else.

If you know Java and that's your thing, then Flex isn't too far off from your comfort level.

Again, I wouldn't recommend anyone use a new technology on a critical project Especially a technology that is completely unfamiliar.

One thing I will say about developing in Flex is that to make "killer" flex apps, you need to really know the framework and be able to proof-of-concept your way from the initial idea to a working application.

You can build a flex application that "looks right" but has performance issues due to the way it was coded. There have been several projects we've worked on in the past where we were called in to help "save' a project that was built in Flex, but wasn't built properly. It was all there, but in order to make it launch-ready, needed a bit of refactoring, etc in order to be optimized for a great user experience.


All in all, Flex has been a really good tool in my experiences... But I preface that by saying I've been fortunate enough to work with some extremely talented software engineers that really know the framework and how to make it sing.

Declaration of principles

1] All human beings are different. And should do everything possible to continue to be so.
2] Each human being has been granted two courses of action: that of deed and that of contemplation. Both lead to the same place.
3] Each human being has been granted two qualities: power and gift. Power drives a person to meet his/her destiny, his gift obliges that person to share with others which is good in him/her. A human being must know when to use power, and when to use compassion.
4] Each human being has been granted a virtue: the capacity to choose. For he/she who does not use this virtue, it becomes a curse – and others will always choose for him/her.
5] Each human being has the right to two blessings, which are: the blessing to do right, and the blessing to err. In the latter case, there is always a path of learning leading to the right way.
6] Each human being has his own sexual profile, and should exercise it without guilt – provided he does not oblige others to exercise it with him/her.
7] Each human being has his own Personal Legend to be fulfilled, and this is the reason he is in the world. The Personal Legend is manifest in his enthusiasm for what she/he does.
Single paragraph – the Personal Legend may be abandoned for a certain time, provided one does not forget it and returns as soon as possible.
8] Each man has a feminine side, and each woman has a masculine side. It is necessary to use discipline with intuition, and to use intuition objectively.
9] Each human being must know two languages: the language of society and the language of the omens. The first serves for communication with others. The second serves to interpret messages from God.
10] Each human being has the right to seek out joy, joy being understood as something which makes one content – not necessarily that which makes others content.
11] Each human being must keep alight within him the sacred flame of madness. And must behave like a normal person.
12] The only faults considered grave are the following: not respecting the rights of one’s neighbor, letting oneself be paralyzed by fear, feeling guilty, thinking one does not deserve the good and bad which occurs in life, and being a coward.
Paragraph 1 – we shall love our adversaries, but not make alliances with them. They are placed in our way to test our sword, and deserve the respect of our fight.
Paragraph 2 – we shall choose our adversaries, not the other way around.
12A] We hereby declare the end to the wall dividing the sacred from the profane: from now on, all is sacred.
14] Everything which is done in the present, affects the future by consequence, and the past by redemption.
15] The impossible is possible

Paulo Coelho